Get It Right! :)

 I wanted to this a lot, meant to do some post somewhere end of December 2024 but things happened, was so caught with wedding, emotional turmoil as usual. In a nut shell, 2024 was quite a bad year for me especially financially and emotionally.  The silver linings that I could make out of 2024 are like... i need to be careful with my financial. My husband is not someone I could turn to. He really put me beyond my place last year. I don't feel like going into the details but from 2024 I am learning not to feel too sorry for him. And yes inda salah minta duit ara nya utk belanja. Apa yg aku minta so far still less than I deserve. I realized my feelings are becoming less. Sometimes I did feel guilty for being inconsiderate. But everytime i started to feel sorry, the other part of me would tell myself things like "Yuhana, ia dulu tesurung jua buat kau cemani, ia tesurung jua burukkan kau ara mama nya, ia tesurung jua bagi kau $50 saja masa SPK nya, ia tesurung jua suruh kau hantar ...

  Hi, Assalamualaikum, it is already the second month of 2024. And yes I had another unpleasant treatment from my husband. This time he went over board again, saying harsh thing to me, and feeling NIL guilt about it.  I think my feelings are drifting away. I mean I would be abnormal not to feel so right? Even the kindest heart has its own limit. I am mentally planning the possibility of life without him in the picture. I don't know. He has no remorse and the toxic treatment seems to be quite frequent lately.  I do not want to talk a lot about him.  What I want talk about is Joseph.  I met him online, I still remember when he said Hi to me on the site, I somehow felt quite comfortable with him. I was being lousy at the time and  I was alone at CDC We did not text a lot initially. But we started to slowly chat for almost everyday. Harry Potter plays a bit of role, he knows Harry Potter, uses Harry Potter related as his pick up lines. I did not see it was comi...

 I just arrived in Tutong for tahlil function for Mulah Nini Usu. The function will start after Isyak prayer. I just wanna do this for brief. Going to Tutong tonight is partially me wanting to get away from home. I try to be okay but those negative,hurtful vibes I got from my husband won't go away.  I always forgive him, I always let him has his ways. This was my biggest mistake. My husband definitely has taken me for granted. I have no say, I cannot say anything. Oh yes I can, I do have the chance but I do not have the energy to go berserk and stand for myself. Let's just see how things will go.  These few days I do not feel like uttering I love you to him. And he does not notice. Yes, I do question myself -does he still have any feeling for me? Or are we just two adult playing role mommy and daddy for our kids?  I pray to Allah, sekiranya jodoh kami panjang may our marriage be blessed with harmony. If jodoh kami bukan ditakdirkan ke akhir hayat may Allah give me th...

 Someday, somehow, somewhere I pray Allah would guide me to the best path for my life. I saw Aisyah's hijanah quote recently, " Saya inginkan syurga tanpa hisab, Allah berikan saya dugaan seperti ni". Something like this regarding her misfortune with her husband marrying another woman recently. I have seen it, how my husband would never ever appreciate me the way i wish for,not until perhaps i am finally gone. His ego is way bigger . And I am the foolish one, forgiving him over and over again. He thinks how I am feeling is childish but really most of the times i feel like we are morr of housemate. It hurts when i sit in front of him and he would totally ignore me and scroll through his phone. I have told my weak silly heart it is okay it is okay. I cannot force a person to love me treat me the way I wish for. Not everyone gets to have their fairytale.  And I have told myself countless times, to regret and to wish I could go back and change things is like questioning Qada ...

  Assalamualaikum , I have been wanting to do this the last few days but again as usual, I have mind block. There are things that bother my mind. I guess what is going on with Gaza at the moment affects my mental health too.  I do not want to talk further about it.The world sees the war crime Israel has committed. It is not war, it is genocide. Yet those with power in the world either join in the unforgiveable sin or keeps silence. I am sorry my Musiim sisters, brothers in Gaza. It pains me to see your loss and suffering. I have no power to stop the genocide. I could only share, talk about what is going on in Gaza. I could only worry for you, I could only mourn with you, for the loss on the innocent lives.  When I see those cruel, barbaric and merciless treatment given to you , I got enraged.. then I got frustrated when there is nothing done to help the situation in Gaza. Only Yemen is brave, bold enough to lean hands. With this enragement, frustrations i feel, I also hav...

Assalamualaikum, I have been meaning to do this post since weeks ago. I actually had a lot to say.. but again, i am at the phase of having mental writing block, I wanted to say a lot but could not type them all out.  30th March 2023- my husband and his family lost their dear sister, Dk Siti Adibah , 35 years old. She lost her battle with Ovary Cancer. It is sad, I do not wish it to happen to her despite how much I did not have a good relationship with her. I had good memory with her in earlier of my relationship with my husband, then things slowly changed. True colour revealed with time. She passed away in the holy month of Ramadhan, on Thursday, with smiling face they said. I told myself, as people were saying a lot too, she must have done good deeds that Allah took her back now. I could not help but wish I only saw the good side of her during her lifetime. I had my resentments, and alhamdullillah I got to apologise to her for any wrongdoings, those resentment, bitterness I felt, ...