Ramadhan & Syawal

Assalamualaikum, I have been meaning to do this post since weeks ago. I actually had a lot to say.. but again, i am at the phase of having mental writing block, I wanted to say a lot but could not type them all out. 

30th March 2023- my husband and his family lost their dear sister, Dk Siti Adibah , 35 years old. She lost her battle with Ovary Cancer.

It is sad, I do not wish it to happen to her despite how much I did not have a good relationship with her. I had good memory with her in earlier of my relationship with my husband, then things slowly changed. True colour revealed with time. She passed away in the holy month of Ramadhan, on Thursday, with smiling face they said. I told myself, as people were saying a lot too, she must have done good deeds that Allah took her back now. I could not help but wish I only saw the good side of her during her lifetime. I had my resentments, and alhamdullillah I got to apologise to her for any wrongdoings, those resentment, bitterness I felt, I got to say I was sorry and aku ikhlas kan whatever she did in the past.

Semoga roh mu tenang Ka Dibah, ditempatkan dikalangan orang orang beriman. Semoga anak anak mu membesar menjadi orang orang yg beriman dan bertakwa. 

Recently I had a strain of argument with my husband. We both got sick and it brought out not the best of us. I tend to get over sensitive and be unreasonably emotional over little things and he tend to be quite rude when he is sick. I cannot be okay when he said mean things and he acted like they do not hurt me like hell. He does not understand words can hurt deeper than knife. 

I cried ,yes again, endlessly when he scolded me at my MIL's. Unfortunately my mil found out because Inara told her. It was one of those very rare times, but he told my husband not to do that.. I no longer have parents. Yes this part is true. I cannot help but wish I still have my parents now. Yes, I even wanted my dad. When I was growing up I did not favor him well back then but you know those thoughts like " I don't think I will be marrying him, if my father is still around". Astagfirullah, every time I had this kind of thought, I would tell myself that is like questioning Qadha and Qadar. Sudah tertulis jodoh and jalan hidup ku cemani.  I already have two kids to consider of walking out of the relationship. 

My husband is not so bad, he is not a bad man. I know ada lagi para isteri have it worst than me. But I know perhaps that is syaitan and iblis berbisik, i just dont think we are compatible very much. He has big ego.. I over think.. a lot... menerikah or masak or makan kah I think a lot. I know it is a childish wish but I really wish I can go back to the old time and change few things. 

I always pray my best friend, Cat and Farah and my sister dapat jodoh and keluarga in law yg baik baik. I kept on telling my sister to carry out daily prayers. For yes perempuan yg baik untuk lelaki yg baik and vice versa. I was not a good muslimah back then, did not do my prayers, i had my sins..I am not a good one too now. But I am trying slowly. I keep on thinking I have this miseries because I let my happiness comes from people, especially my husband. I am such a needy person and it is bad. And yes I hate myself for being like this, letting him take me for granted. He wont change...because he knows I will still be here.

There are times, like this, I think a lot, and hard. Like is this marriage worth it? Like does it worth sacrificing my internal emotions? Am I strong enough to walk out of this? Am I strong enough to live with my kids only, am I strong enough not to need him anymore? I am not being healthy, it is not healthy that I let his attitude and gestures affect me so much. Like aku often sedih why with me kasar and moody at times but when he is with his family, he becomes a total angel? When he is moody, he can be so kasar sampai aku ambil hati sgt and then later that day he acts mcm nada.. I cannot cope.. brg remeh temeh but being me I cant let it go. I think a lot. Like this afternoon I randomly look around for rumah sewa. yg harga $500? I have my mother's house but aku mikir kan if i am to live in Tutong, kesian Ajwad. How am I going to send him to Smarter? Tutong has almost nil facility for him. 

So i was thinking i need to live in BSB area too. I really put my mind into this possibility. If I walk out, i know there will be times I am gonna miss him and want him back. I am afraid of this emotional struggle I would have to go through. Yet I keep on thinking until when do I have do I have to put up with this kind of unhealthy emotional miseries. 

I even dont feel like selit kan doa untuk kami these days in my prayers. I only doakan kalau banar hanya ajal yg memisahkan kami nanti, I pray to Allah tetap kan hati kami berdua untuk each other. Bukakan lah pintu hati suami hamba untuk menjadi imam hamba, lembutkan lah hati nya untuk tidak terlalu berkira sama hamba. Sedarkan lah ia sebaik baik sedekah adalah kepada isteri dan anak anak dahulu. And I pray to Allah semoga Allah jadikan hamba isteri yg solehah dan byk bersabar dalam menghadapi dugaan rumah tangga dan membesarkan anak anak. 

It hurts a lot when he sampai hati blame Ajwad atu menganu pasal aku. Ya Allah Ajwad inda pernah minta dilahir kan autism, and I never taught him to hurt himself. How could you put the blame on me ? You always said aku selalu makan laki and pyh kan di ajar,keras kepala etc.. If I am one of stubborn person, I would have walked away long ago... Please kira all this 8 years, berapa kali aku bekasar and berapa kali you said rude things to me? I pray Allah lembutkan hati tani dua if banar jodoh tani panjang. If it is the other way, aku doa Allah berikan aku ketenang, keredhaan and keikhlasan... 

Insha Allah kepada Allah aku berserah. 

This year's Syawal is one of the Syawal I dont have any good vibe. 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Semoga hari hari mendatang akan membawa seribu rahmat, keberkatan dan kebahagian. Amiin ya Allah.