Someday, somewhere, somehow

 Someday, somehow, somewhere I pray Allah would guide me to the best path for my life. I saw Aisyah's hijanah quote recently, " Saya inginkan syurga tanpa hisab, Allah berikan saya dugaan seperti ni". Something like this regarding her misfortune with her husband marrying another woman recently.

I have seen it, how my husband would never ever appreciate me the way i wish for,not until perhaps i am finally gone. His ego is way bigger . And I am the foolish one, forgiving him over and over again. He thinks how I am feeling is childish but really most of the times i feel like we are morr of housemate. It hurts when i sit in front of him and he would totally ignore me and scroll through his phone. I have told my weak silly heart it is okay it is okay. I cannot force a person to love me treat me the way I wish for. Not everyone gets to have their fairytale. 

And I have told myself countless times, to regret and to wish I could go back and change things is like questioning Qada and Qadar. But I cannot help wishing to go back and amend my choices. I do think of someone from my past. He was not an ex, he never confessed. He was a dear friend whom mom told me "baik jua ia atu, mama suka". Why why did i have to follow my stupid heart and was blind to see this. I was mean to him when he accidentally said he missed me already when his flight was about to take off and they found my father. On the very day he got back he came to see us. I was only a friend to him but why could not i see the best in him.. but again he was a good man so i think that was why i did not deserve him. I am truly sorry for hurting your feeling 14 years ago. All you did was showing a genuine care for me. I wish I could go back to time and choose you instead.. 

He was not my first love, no.. but I know now for sure if only I am with him, I would not shred so many useless tears, go through unnecessary insecurities. Being chosen over his family all the time. Being scolded when he is angry at his own family. Oh yes this is something i would never forget and forgive. You were mad at your sister but you took it out on me,abusing my mental health again and again. I could not believe I was thinking to commit suicide because of someone else's fault. Demi Allah, aku inda izin. Demi Allah aku minta balasan dari Allah. When will I get the strength and get out of this narcisstic relation? 

When i asked you recently if you could appreciate me better, what did you say, "hargai mun inda ku hargai ku halau sudah". WOW. Wow. Sometimes i do feel hatred when i remember this kind of thing, emotional pain you have inflicted on me. I see it, you WOULD NEVER see how you have hurt me unless i am permanently gone. I have two kids with you, they are what stopping me to leave. You have said so many egoistic hurtful things to me. YET you never said you are sorry nor you feel sorry for them. And i have always forgiven you again and again. I pray someday Allah would keras kan my hati banar banar and let me leave you without any glimpse. You are supposed to be my protector, my carer. Yet you bekira with me so much. Yes there are times aku inda redha and mengadu arah Allah. I always doa Allah lembut kan hati mu, jadi kan kau imam ku. I do not see. You do not even go to Friday prayers. Dont you fear you are away from Allah? 

You have hurt me emotionally countless times. You have led me to suicidal thoughts so many times. I am hurt at the moment. May Allah berikan you kesedaran. If it is not entitled may Allah make me a strong person to walk out of this marriage someday. It is exhausting that you affect my happiness. We are not compatible really. We dont really talk and communicate. You do not respect me as your woman. I am more like an amah. Oh you talk to amah nicer than you do to me i will never forget this. 

It is not worth it. Either you change and be a better husband and muslim or may Allah give me the strength to walk away. 

Our marriage is one of my biggest regrets in life. 

You never and would never try to understand me.