2026

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone... I actually did not post any single entry last year. In a nut shell, I participated in stuffs I had never seen myself doing. I started going to the gym. Dr W offered me, I was reluctant initially and I actually started to enjoy doing it. I became active in Zumba too. I managed to find a ZIN I could actually find the chemistry I felt with Jonathan. Yes, even with your ZIN, chemistry is very important.

My relationship with my husband last year was not so great, nothing new. We actually had a big fight last year and yes I almost left him. I really thought we needed space. We had a fight too early this year and I don't want to go into details. In brief, we somehow voiced out what was bottling inside. No all, but in the end we made up . Apparently I was and I am never going to be okay with the idea of him being with some other woman. 

My vision initially for 2026 was to be more fit. I actually had a very small thought of joining Fitness or 'mini' hyrox challenge ;) Lol. I tried to keep things consistent, Zumba and LSS once a week. I even pushed myself to turn up during Ramadan. 

And three days before Eid, I found out I got pregnant. All this time I did not want to but when I actually saw the clear double red line on the test.. I felt.. emotionally overwhelmed. Not truly sad, I was grateful. I just thought of myself saying last year if I ever have a child again, I would name him Salleh in memory of the martyred Palestinians journalist. He got killed last year. I did not know him but every time I saw his post I always thought "Thank god he is still alive". I was beaming with happiness when I saw his post in the street notifying people of the ceasefire - a so called one, few days prior to being murdered. His sudden death really took a toll on me. I was mourning for two weeks, yes over a man who did not know me personally. 

So I swore to name my future son with his name. When I got my positive result I thought of my words. I don't know yet if I am having a boy or a girl but yes if it is a boy I would put 'Salleh' in his name.. and 'Salehah' if it is a girl. I hope my baby will grow up healthily. May he or she will help Inara to look after Ajwad, shall my husband and I return to Him one day. May Allah panjangkan umur my husband and me. I cannot imagine leaving Ajwad behind. And I cannot imagine life raising my kids without my husband. 

I view my pregnancy as something of a bless. Allah has given rezeki and He know best. May Allah ease. Yet another thing I learnt the hard way.. I got to find out there are people who I turned to - like the person I ranted about little things, cried to.. somehow.. did not talk the very best of my behind of my back. Probably inda seberapa and perhaps they are right, I am being 'too sensitive' during pregnancy ani but still it hurts to know talks like "Nasib ia kerja di Tutong, aher datang sama selalu keluar, kalau di bandar abis sudah". If org aku inda rapat ckp cani I might just feel angry. But coming from someone who actually I had a spot in my heart, I felt not just angry, I felt more hurt. It did not help when I knew that when aku sibuk2 cari tempat urut, pasal demam a, my whole family got sick, was not it normal for me to get sick too? and there were words like my badan sakit bukan pasal Ajwad, pasal hyrox actually. First, I NEVER SAID aku sakit badan pasal Ajwad, ya Allah that sounded as if im blaming my autistic child. I repetitively said I was more worried of Ajwad kicking me around my back and stomach than what impact of me going to the gym and Zumba might do to my unborn child. 

I am not very angry, upset yes. Somehow I take it as teguran dari Allah jua. Not to be too open with my life story, not all friends would stick with you. Aku anggap ani semua teguran dari Allah. To open less of my aib, to share less. Im not perfect, jauh daripada sempurna. Aku manusia yg byk dosa. semoga Allah mengampuni segala dosa dosa ku dan jadikan aku umat yg beriman. Amiin ya Allah. Insha Allah, istiqomah atu payah semoga Allah sentiasa guide me and family. 

Everyone, tolong doakan I have a smooth pregancy, delivery nanti. and may bayi yg dikandung ani sihat, sempurna kejadian nya. amiin ya Allah.