Life

I wish Mom will get well. I wish mom to be as healthy as she used to. Mom and things have really got me thinking how life has changed much for me. I know I know, change, it is inevitable. I went back to Zumba with Jonathan yesterday with Kaka Nurul.. and yes class with him felt really right. I had a chat with Kaka Nuurul. She showed my a picture of my mom and my sister on her graduation day. I felt a pang of sadness. No, it was not because I didn't get invited to the graduation thing. It was.. the sight of my mom. She looked different, thinner and...sick... I hate seeing her like that. I really want her to be healthy. I know it is out of my control. My mom... she is an asset.. The only asset that could never be replaced. I could cope with my dad's death but losing my mom, I could not... I do not want to imagine life without her. Ma... please be strong... No one is ever going to love us the way you do. You deserve way better children than us. I know I am not the best..but please...be okay. ;'( I am so sorry I didn't spend lots of time with you while I could. I am trying to make it up now.. please be okay for it. 

I suppose it is age. Or it is just... oh I do not know honestly. When I think about mom and the way things were in the past I just... I don't know. It is not regret alone.. but I somehow can not believe that I reach this point in my life where...things are not quite simple. I mature somehow... a bit I guess. Sigh I know what I am talking at the moment is more like mumbling. The thing between me and my sister got me thinking to. I don't see any way we are going to fix it this time. Earlier I seriously thought of talking with her. For the sake of my mom, I know she is going to be more than happy to get us talking the way we were. To put things right. But... I just do not see it is that simple. Yes, I have my ego...and hers is way way superior than mine. Sorry Ma.. To my sister, I know there is no freaking way you gonna read this and this is something that you would never want to listen to... but yes please.. it is about time you mature. I am not saying I am the best daughter. I won't hurt if you try to considerate. I know I membebel a lot. Whine a lot. But you gotta know, I was not ready. Was not ready back then to take over the responsibility. I did not have a choice. Being the younger one you had a choice not to take it. You were not expected to look after everything. You are not longer 18 or 19.. by this time you should know you gotta take a part too. I don't know how to talk to you... it is difficult. I hope one day you realize. I hope you would get your wake up call. And I hope by that time, it is not too late. Think about Mama. There are times that I have the strong urge to kick you out of the house, especially when you wear those shorts and you being trouser-less when my husband is around. I want to be there too you know. But you are making us uncomfortable. You call me selfish, slapping me, cursing me, being rude to Mama and my husband... what do you call that? People asked me to talk nicely to you...but remember that time when I actually cried telling you how I felt you just rolled your eyes? I am not mad at this very moment. I am sad. I am frustrated. 

Sigh. It is almost 2. I should really be sleeping. I suppose the a tin of coffee and a glass of white coffee do this. Abi is sleeping soundly. Abi... I love you. Thanks for being there and putting up with my nonsense drama. Thanks for bearing with my penyamal attitudes. I love you. 

That's it then. Goodnight.

XOXO

-Yuhana89-