A childish wish

 It hurts a lot when someone you love, you care about told you that you are stressing them out

I actually  had a lot to say but in the end i just wanna crawl on bed and cry my heart  out, which I did but only helped the slightest bit. 

I have two small kids to think of, otherwise there are times I wish I could just go somewhere and clear off my mind

I know i am very dramatic, and I just wish I am with a person who understands that well and accept me instead of letting me feel stupid or insane for being the way I am.

I miss my mom, even my dad. I was not really fond of Babah back then, but there are some points where I thought if he is still around, he will not let me get bullied, being taken for granted. It bings grieve to my heart to think I have no home to turn back to, no parents to take me back if I am no longer needed.

It is a childish wish, but I wish I could turn back time and live differently, make a different choice. It is tiring emotionally at times that I have to live with people who think way way differently from what I was raised with. Give and take, they say. But I only see me having have to take the bullets, the attitude, the nuisance all the time. It does not help a lot when they have done wrongdoings to me so many times. Esp part amah atu i will forever remember. I remembered telling mom "durang nda kisah ma apa jadi ara kami,sanggup buat cematu with orang luar". Mama diam saja... what i did not know until she passed away was she voiced out her worries about me at Ngangah and Usu.. sedih.. sedih banar. Mama said to them "macam kana makan siti atu di sana". and Usu told her "jgn mcm mcm masih ada keluarga tu siti atu"

I cried when usu told me this. nangis ku. now who would be there for me? Yes i have Kaka Nuurul an Usu, Ngangah but of course I would not want to susahkan them. Ma, I need you.. I have no choice but to be strong for Ajwad , Inara , Mamai and Waie. 

I love him, of course, I am not saying he is a bad man, inda.. but we dont fully understand each other. we are not on the same page most of the time. and recently i see if aku sakit he wont be able to take care of me fully. twice he left me to manage the kids when i can barely got up.  and yes, even i am right kah apa, he would not choose me over them. Of course... it is just not my rezeki to have a harmony relationship with them. toxic. when things atu org normal pun inda dapat terima, but in the end aku yg jahat pasal inda suka kana buat cematu. they expect to talan saja perangai drg. 

Back then, I could not do anything . meroyan yes, lapas tu kana ucap lagi. I always tadah tgn to Allah to beri me kesabaran and balasan to org org yg menaniyaya. I should have doakan supaya diberikan hidayah. what was the point ada kifarah but inda sadar. msih tinggi melangit. 

Ya Allah do grant me the utmost Sabr and redha in facing any obstacles. Ya Allah, kurang kan lah rasa kasih ku ani kan ia, for I act improperly in feeling so much love.