LIFE
I dont know where to start. I have had quite a lot going on this year.
2019 is coming to an end and it has been quite a year honestly.
Early this year, my life was greatly affected by our ex crazy stupid maid. I knew she was no good when we had her. Useless arguments, endless stress all due to her.
It took me losing my temper like I had never been to get my husband agreed to send her back home.
And it was with a price. I got betrayed behind my back, my marriage was affected. To the point where what were holding me back were Ajwad and Inara. Otherwise I would have packed my things and go. Perhaps it was not so bad as it sounded. But those little gesture, when I needed support and protection and I had none. Instead of asking me directly, giving me unnecessary cold shoulder, those gestures..they made a difference. I was scared back then. yes it was scary how people had the power to wreck a relationship, a marriage. they were supposed to be on your side yet they went against you and made inappropriate act behind your back.
okay i cant do this without saying it out directly. i dont want to go into the details. but yes, back then i really wanted to ask them these :
1/ Why would you trust an outsider instead of me who is somehow your 'new comer' family?- honestly i cant think myself as a family member, not when you are not making me feel like one..
2/ why told him the false accusation instead of asking and clarifying with me while she was still around ?
3/ why did you feel like you need to contact her? those nonsense video calls behind my back? those lies?
4/ why choose her instead of me ? you rather listened to her lies and words and gang up against me instead of asking me directly...
5/ does it not matter to you what happen to us? i mean does it even matter to you if our marriage was at stake asal you puas hati sampaikan to him bad things about me ?
6/ how am i supposed to accept you fully when all you lot do is find my flaws, most of the time ?
All these questions nagged me for months. i felt stuck, trapped. i wanted to give up, wanted to get away. i had enough. it was tiring. and yes Alhamdullillah i learnt to accept things and not question them. with struggle of course. i am not mentally strong. i worry easily, get bothered easily.
alhamdullillah, despite feeling bitter, i managed to calmly say to my husband this " I love you, I love Ajwad and Inara. I love our family and I dont think it is bebaloi to let our marriage fall apart pasal org lain when we dont have big issues ourselves. and aku inda perfect and i cant make them accept me. i cannot change me just to get accepted". i was sad. i was genuinely scared for my family back then. sekadar you might think but if you are in my shoes you would understand. Because sadly, i received very little support back then, my feelings were deeply hurt. i dont find the necessity to share those words here but no matter how i tried to forget them, those words you said my love hurt me more than any cuts feel, left permanent scar to my heart.
now this is few months ago punya story. ever since i kept my distance. i was not truly rude. and recently i found out little things, very minor really. Most of them hid their status from me. i mean okay, not that i am desperate to know about your lives. but you guys doing cematu as if im the most jahat person in the universe. and one of them actually gives me cold shoulder. okay since aku bukan org baik sgt, cemani lah.. yes i do have dosa with you, i talked badly bout you but please think apa you did to me? what you did to me was even double triple, Allah saja tahu. you wont mengakun, even i hinted you obviously, no you wont mengakun. and yes i am done going crazy with your nonsense. Aku bukan baik but yes I fear for you. You said you takut sama Allah but you always cakap "Peduli apa ku" when you did people wrong. jgn cematu sister, kifarah Allah ada.
I knew few of your darkest secrets, which if aku spilled out pun you would sanggup besumpah kan nama Allah not admitting to them. i did not use these to go against you kan? did I? Inda.. you twisted your cerita with people pun aku diam saja. though how mad i was masa tu, it involved a little life. and you dare tell me a downright lie bout it jua. as if you did not call me few hours earlier freaking out. inda apa sister.. i have learnt it is not my place to judge your act. That is urusan mu and Allah.
I guess i am at that phase of learning not to care so much. i wish i can say these to them, i wish i can tell them how i feel..but what is the point? i would still be the crazy one, the jahat one. why bother right?
so yes Yuhana, just mind people who truly care bout you and bukan sibuk sibuk kan judge you and want you to ikut rentak durang saja.. you would go crazy. anggap saja this is your dugaan or kifarah for any past dosa you committed. True if i had foreseen this before i got attached, i would have change my mind and run, but no that is like questioning Allah's plan. Allah sebaik baik perancang. Anggap saja it is not my rezeki to have that harmony and peace most people earned.
I have talked quite a lot. i am gonna stop now. There are other things i wanted to share but i would do them next time. one thing at a time :)
Goodnight!
xoxo
P/S : It is not your fault that people behave in certain ways, you live not to please people.
2019 is coming to an end and it has been quite a year honestly.
Early this year, my life was greatly affected by our ex crazy stupid maid. I knew she was no good when we had her. Useless arguments, endless stress all due to her.
It took me losing my temper like I had never been to get my husband agreed to send her back home.
And it was with a price. I got betrayed behind my back, my marriage was affected. To the point where what were holding me back were Ajwad and Inara. Otherwise I would have packed my things and go. Perhaps it was not so bad as it sounded. But those little gesture, when I needed support and protection and I had none. Instead of asking me directly, giving me unnecessary cold shoulder, those gestures..they made a difference. I was scared back then. yes it was scary how people had the power to wreck a relationship, a marriage. they were supposed to be on your side yet they went against you and made inappropriate act behind your back.
okay i cant do this without saying it out directly. i dont want to go into the details. but yes, back then i really wanted to ask them these :
1/ Why would you trust an outsider instead of me who is somehow your 'new comer' family?- honestly i cant think myself as a family member, not when you are not making me feel like one..
2/ why told him the false accusation instead of asking and clarifying with me while she was still around ?
3/ why did you feel like you need to contact her? those nonsense video calls behind my back? those lies?
4/ why choose her instead of me ? you rather listened to her lies and words and gang up against me instead of asking me directly...
5/ does it not matter to you what happen to us? i mean does it even matter to you if our marriage was at stake asal you puas hati sampaikan to him bad things about me ?
6/ how am i supposed to accept you fully when all you lot do is find my flaws, most of the time ?
All these questions nagged me for months. i felt stuck, trapped. i wanted to give up, wanted to get away. i had enough. it was tiring. and yes Alhamdullillah i learnt to accept things and not question them. with struggle of course. i am not mentally strong. i worry easily, get bothered easily.
alhamdullillah, despite feeling bitter, i managed to calmly say to my husband this " I love you, I love Ajwad and Inara. I love our family and I dont think it is bebaloi to let our marriage fall apart pasal org lain when we dont have big issues ourselves. and aku inda perfect and i cant make them accept me. i cannot change me just to get accepted". i was sad. i was genuinely scared for my family back then. sekadar you might think but if you are in my shoes you would understand. Because sadly, i received very little support back then, my feelings were deeply hurt. i dont find the necessity to share those words here but no matter how i tried to forget them, those words you said my love hurt me more than any cuts feel, left permanent scar to my heart.
now this is few months ago punya story. ever since i kept my distance. i was not truly rude. and recently i found out little things, very minor really. Most of them hid their status from me. i mean okay, not that i am desperate to know about your lives. but you guys doing cematu as if im the most jahat person in the universe. and one of them actually gives me cold shoulder. okay since aku bukan org baik sgt, cemani lah.. yes i do have dosa with you, i talked badly bout you but please think apa you did to me? what you did to me was even double triple, Allah saja tahu. you wont mengakun, even i hinted you obviously, no you wont mengakun. and yes i am done going crazy with your nonsense. Aku bukan baik but yes I fear for you. You said you takut sama Allah but you always cakap "Peduli apa ku" when you did people wrong. jgn cematu sister, kifarah Allah ada.
I knew few of your darkest secrets, which if aku spilled out pun you would sanggup besumpah kan nama Allah not admitting to them. i did not use these to go against you kan? did I? Inda.. you twisted your cerita with people pun aku diam saja. though how mad i was masa tu, it involved a little life. and you dare tell me a downright lie bout it jua. as if you did not call me few hours earlier freaking out. inda apa sister.. i have learnt it is not my place to judge your act. That is urusan mu and Allah.
I guess i am at that phase of learning not to care so much. i wish i can say these to them, i wish i can tell them how i feel..but what is the point? i would still be the crazy one, the jahat one. why bother right?
so yes Yuhana, just mind people who truly care bout you and bukan sibuk sibuk kan judge you and want you to ikut rentak durang saja.. you would go crazy. anggap saja this is your dugaan or kifarah for any past dosa you committed. True if i had foreseen this before i got attached, i would have change my mind and run, but no that is like questioning Allah's plan. Allah sebaik baik perancang. Anggap saja it is not my rezeki to have that harmony and peace most people earned.
I have talked quite a lot. i am gonna stop now. There are other things i wanted to share but i would do them next time. one thing at a time :)
Goodnight!
xoxo
P/S : It is not your fault that people behave in certain ways, you live not to please people.
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