Hyperthyroid

Assalamualaikum. So yeah, i recently feared i had colon cancer and that is not the case. Yet unfortunately i am having hypethyroid.  It is not life threatening but it is indeed something serious.  

What saddens me and bother me i that i got it after i delivered inara.  Not right away but yes during that time after.  Im not sad because of Inara.  I was sad, depressed back then. I was not stress because of my children. No. It was selfish people. 

Im not gonna rant everything here but really are you guys happy now that you actually affect my health?  Didnt you understand that i needed my husband to be around that time?  The presence of Amah inda sama like having your own husband.  I needed the mental support back then.  Why could not you be considerate?  😓 and what did i do so wrong that "tapi yuhana banyak tu complain ku dgr"? . are you that perfect?  I could point out many of your flaws. Your illogical attitude.  Does it mean i have to bury my feelings and say yes saja to everything just because i 'masuk' your family.  You guys judge me badmouth me when i got offended for my mother.  Cuba. .if it is your mother was treated the way she was treated would you be okay?  My mom i am proud to say is sebaik baik manusia wujud di duniaa ani.  She is not rich.  Inda ada gelaran,  pangkat.  But she definitely deserves respect. It hurts me you know seeing her terasa.  No my mom inda mengadu. . inda.   My mom jenis simpan.  I cant even say sorry to her that i put her in such situation.

I admit. . I am very expressive.  And i see me saying out how i feel didnt get thru you. Masih jua with your ego.  Thinking your way is lurus.  And i should adapt fully.  I am a person too.  It should be give and take.  You are only taking and expecting.  I have Ajwad and Inara as reasons to be strong to be healthy.  Be humane and consider those two precious.  Would you be happy to see them grow up without their mother?  Do you actually want to see my husband become wife-less?  You only see my flaws my mistakes.  You forgot your own.  Even my husband's flaws you directed to me.  When i heard you accused me of "pasal c yuhana tu ia inda k mari" it broke my heart. I had contractions after that cus i was so depressed.  I never got this depressed.  And knowing it is gonna be long term im dying inside. 

I wanna be healthy.  I wanna be happy for my kids.  Please dont push me.  Dont find my flaws saja.  Yes i used to doakan you lot dapat balasan for what you had done to me.  For the miseries you gave me and what it had cost me.  But now inda..  I am learning to be redha.  Demi Allah.  I pray that Allah sedar kan kamu.  Yes aku pun bukan hamba yang sempurna. And i pray Allah berikan hamba ani kesabaran and keampunan.  In a way yes kana buat cemani might be my own kifarah or dugaan.  This could be the price i have to pay for maybe for melebihkan ibu lain selain mama in the past.

It is not that definitely you would read this but if ditakdirkan you do instead of memburukkan me why dont you try to digest and put yourselves in my shoes? To my family and friends who accept and love me for who i am thank you.  Alhamdullillah Allah hadirkan you guys in my life. 

This is one of my long posts when actually there is so much to say. To some people (you know who you are) would judge and badmouth me when you read this but yeah as kata husband "mulut orang bukan macam mangkuk ada tudung nya dapat d tutup".  So yes banar banar doa Allah berikan me kesabaran to ignore what you guys do or say.

Yuhana,  Allah ada.  Allah adil. Allah sebaik baik perancang.  Kifarah Allah ada. Doakan orang orang yang menjahati sadar.  Amiin amiin.