In The Blink Of An Eye
"Everything changes in the blink of an eye".. indeed. lots of things have changed over such a short period.
For the past few days, weeks or perhaps month? there were lots of things I wanna say. I kept on procrastinating this.
Life.. well.. in a way is quite better. Mom had been admitted at RIPAS for over a month. I think it was fairly almost 2 months. She was discharged last Tuesday. Alhamdullillah and I hope she would be stable.
Abi is off for the Temburong rotation soon. Less than 3 weeks. Plus minus two weeks ish to go. And this time, I won't be counting days for a month. It would be two months this time. And I am quite nervous actually. I mean I depend so much on him. I am seeing him everyday no matter how busy we are during the day time. I hope things would be okay and bearable during the two months.
How do I say this... Life is better and unfortunately I lost people again. I am not saying I regret it and I am not saying I am glad it happened. Let's just say every cloud has a silver lining yeah. I can't find just the perfect and sufficient words to describe or to go into the details.
I had been under consistent pressures back then, too much expectations. I bursted out one day and things change drastically since then. I don't have to go into the details of what exactly had happened lo and behold these are few of the things I feel like saying to these certain individuals. Call me coward, it is not cowardice I assure you, it is more like helpless? Because what ever I said they would not accept it. oh well, that is a normal reaction most people are likely to have when the other party says something back right? instead of listening and thinking wisely first, they just go and start pointing out the others' flaws. Right as if, you are a person without flaws. Don't. Don't start shouting out others' flaws so much without thinking of the things you have done.
Don't start saying I am an ungrateful person, I do..no I did value the things you have done all this time. I did. But I could not bring myself to feel the same way after all the things you said. Those things you ungkit, they hurt. It was not just like a slap on my face, those words and things you said, they made a hole. they pierced through my heart. They suck. They really did.
How could you have the heart to ungkit things that involved people that are no longer here. I am not a saint person, I am far from religious but you should know a mother is a son's big responsibility. My mom did take care of hers. Don't go saying she did not take care of her. Mom refuses to believe that you did really say things and did things. I am not gonna be like you making her hate you. No, I am not doing that. But she was not there when you brought up all single things. All the threats. You both know my secrets? Especially about a picture of me back few years ago? That my ex kissed my forehead and hugged me back then? These two things were such big deals for you? I could have told you things that would break your heart into pieces but no. I'd just be a coward and hold them back. I still respect some people's right, as in I am not gonna go to you and spill out things just because you start not to get along well with them. ,My flaws become such big sins and mistakes to you. But have you try and reflect your own mistakes. Your lives are twisted. I am not judging. No I am not. My life is not perfect and it is not magical, there are flaws, ups and downs but yes I am grateful I do not get to live the way you live yours.
You said you wanted nothing to do with us. As in, you would completely let me do things on my own. So yes I am trying to fix things, yes I take longer time but hey, that is better. Don't start saying I am ego for not wanting to accept those helps of yours. I know better those things you call 'helps' would eat me back someday. you would start bringing them up someday. When I start refusing, you threatened to speak to my husband? when are you going to learn things do not necessary go your ways. what power did God give you to control people's lives. They say I should have thought before losing my temper, because you are revengeful they say, and do know, you are not the only one with revenge and resentment. before you try to manage others' lives, manage your own first. before saying and pointing out I am not such a good child, think about yours first. I am not saying anything yeah. No I am not, just think. think.
Life is fairly better without certain people in the picture. I am not saying I am so glad that things happened. but I am glad not to live under constant pressures. I do not say I am way mature now. But hey I own my life. Sigh. I am filled with anger at times thinking about these people. They know how to point others' flaws. do they even know the wrongs they committed?
Sigh. Abi says 'biar kan saja, jgn peduli'., Yes, I do feel better when I do not think about them.
I gotta go soon. I still want to write actually but hey I would do the whining thingy some other time.
p/s ;
karma.
" don't you think all these things are teguran dari Allah?" says a person to me. so yes, bad things happen at times as reminders not to do bad to people and to always remember we solely belong to Him.
Semoga diberikan petunjuk. Amiin.
xoxo
Yuhana.
I had been under consistent pressures back then, too much expectations. I bursted out one day and things change drastically since then. I don't have to go into the details of what exactly had happened lo and behold these are few of the things I feel like saying to these certain individuals. Call me coward, it is not cowardice I assure you, it is more like helpless? Because what ever I said they would not accept it. oh well, that is a normal reaction most people are likely to have when the other party says something back right? instead of listening and thinking wisely first, they just go and start pointing out the others' flaws. Right as if, you are a person without flaws. Don't. Don't start shouting out others' flaws so much without thinking of the things you have done.
Don't start saying I am an ungrateful person, I do..no I did value the things you have done all this time. I did. But I could not bring myself to feel the same way after all the things you said. Those things you ungkit, they hurt. It was not just like a slap on my face, those words and things you said, they made a hole. they pierced through my heart. They suck. They really did.
How could you have the heart to ungkit things that involved people that are no longer here. I am not a saint person, I am far from religious but you should know a mother is a son's big responsibility. My mom did take care of hers. Don't go saying she did not take care of her. Mom refuses to believe that you did really say things and did things. I am not gonna be like you making her hate you. No, I am not doing that. But she was not there when you brought up all single things. All the threats. You both know my secrets? Especially about a picture of me back few years ago? That my ex kissed my forehead and hugged me back then? These two things were such big deals for you? I could have told you things that would break your heart into pieces but no. I'd just be a coward and hold them back. I still respect some people's right, as in I am not gonna go to you and spill out things just because you start not to get along well with them. ,My flaws become such big sins and mistakes to you. But have you try and reflect your own mistakes. Your lives are twisted. I am not judging. No I am not. My life is not perfect and it is not magical, there are flaws, ups and downs but yes I am grateful I do not get to live the way you live yours.
You said you wanted nothing to do with us. As in, you would completely let me do things on my own. So yes I am trying to fix things, yes I take longer time but hey, that is better. Don't start saying I am ego for not wanting to accept those helps of yours. I know better those things you call 'helps' would eat me back someday. you would start bringing them up someday. When I start refusing, you threatened to speak to my husband? when are you going to learn things do not necessary go your ways. what power did God give you to control people's lives. They say I should have thought before losing my temper, because you are revengeful they say, and do know, you are not the only one with revenge and resentment. before you try to manage others' lives, manage your own first. before saying and pointing out I am not such a good child, think about yours first. I am not saying anything yeah. No I am not, just think. think.
Life is fairly better without certain people in the picture. I am not saying I am so glad that things happened. but I am glad not to live under constant pressures. I do not say I am way mature now. But hey I own my life. Sigh. I am filled with anger at times thinking about these people. They know how to point others' flaws. do they even know the wrongs they committed?
Sigh. Abi says 'biar kan saja, jgn peduli'., Yes, I do feel better when I do not think about them.
I gotta go soon. I still want to write actually but hey I would do the whining thingy some other time.
p/s ;
karma.
" don't you think all these things are teguran dari Allah?" says a person to me. so yes, bad things happen at times as reminders not to do bad to people and to always remember we solely belong to Him.
Semoga diberikan petunjuk. Amiin.
xoxo
Yuhana.
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