I miss my life.
I mean I am living. lol. i miss doing things that I used to do back then. I miss having those priviledges. I am not whining, I mean not entirely.. I can't help it. People said they could not imagine being in my shoes. Well, I am left with no options. I do not get to choose. I gotta swallow all the bitterness life is giving me. I am holding to my silver lining.
I am almost to a parent figure to my little brother and sister. and yes, raising kids is not an easy task. I am not saying I resent for having to do what I have to do. It is just, I am not good enough. Their education... I am barely at home to watch over them. This kind of upgrowing is not what I wish for them to have. I can never be good enough. I am not saying I refuse to try.
People say they will help around. Yet they leave. I expect certain gestures from few people. Again the thing about expectation is you are bound to get frustrated. So yes I am trying not to expect things from people. I have learnt that expectation and assumption are bad. And then I realize, trying not to expect from people makes me strangely lonely. I feel like I am alone. I am on my own.
I do have selfish thoughts at times. I want to be able to go where I want like I used to. I wish that I can get back to Zumba. I wish I can travel easily like I used to back then. And initially I wanted to run away. I am not blaming anyone. I am not putting the blame on anyone. Life happens. Nobody wishes to have miseries in their lives.
At this very moment I feel quite hopeless. Quite sad. You know that feeling like somethings is trying to break through the wall of your chest yet you can never get it out? Let it out? I broke down a lot of times. And of course they didn't improve things. I just have to let the wall crash once in a while.
I feel alone. True I have good acquantainces. A husband. Siblings. Yet I feel like utterly alone at times.
Silver lining. Silver lining.
I mean I am living. lol. i miss doing things that I used to do back then. I miss having those priviledges. I am not whining, I mean not entirely.. I can't help it. People said they could not imagine being in my shoes. Well, I am left with no options. I do not get to choose. I gotta swallow all the bitterness life is giving me. I am holding to my silver lining.
I am almost to a parent figure to my little brother and sister. and yes, raising kids is not an easy task. I am not saying I resent for having to do what I have to do. It is just, I am not good enough. Their education... I am barely at home to watch over them. This kind of upgrowing is not what I wish for them to have. I can never be good enough. I am not saying I refuse to try.
People say they will help around. Yet they leave. I expect certain gestures from few people. Again the thing about expectation is you are bound to get frustrated. So yes I am trying not to expect things from people. I have learnt that expectation and assumption are bad. And then I realize, trying not to expect from people makes me strangely lonely. I feel like I am alone. I am on my own.
I do have selfish thoughts at times. I want to be able to go where I want like I used to. I wish that I can get back to Zumba. I wish I can travel easily like I used to back then. And initially I wanted to run away. I am not blaming anyone. I am not putting the blame on anyone. Life happens. Nobody wishes to have miseries in their lives.
At this very moment I feel quite hopeless. Quite sad. You know that feeling like somethings is trying to break through the wall of your chest yet you can never get it out? Let it out? I broke down a lot of times. And of course they didn't improve things. I just have to let the wall crash once in a while.
I feel alone. True I have good acquantainces. A husband. Siblings. Yet I feel like utterly alone at times.
Silver lining. Silver lining.
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