eternal loss.

Salam.. i do not know as where to begin... simply said a friend lost a family member last Thursday. and somehow it affects us.. it affects me. It was unexpected. True we do not truly know her but still it was a lost. 

I was surprised by a text from Nabilah when I was about getting to bed, saying that Farah's brother was involved in accident and his girlfriend passed away. It was a shock. I met the girl and I met the brother few times and we heard about the two of them from Farah. While reading the text it occurred to me that it hasn't been a year that Bunga's sister passed away. she too died from an accident. I feel sorry for the family. I feel sorry for Farah's brother. I keep on thinking that he would surely blame himself.

I did not cry, I did not. I did feel shock and sorry but I did not shed any tears. Not until today. When Farah cried, we did not what to say. i was lost for word. i was afraid to approach her. i was afraid i would take the wrong move approaching her. i was scared that i did not know how to console her. i even hesitated to give her a hug. consoling, giving people hugs when they need it, was not i quite an expert on that? i'm losing it. i do not know as to how to them again... heartbreaks could indeed make a fragile heart become a stone cold.

seeing farah crying, trying my best to put myself in her shoes, it hit me. it reminded me a lot when i lost my dad. how i cried and refused to leave the scene. how i stopped crying, became blank and refusing to cry after that. i could not cry. my heart becomes hard ever since. my emotion attachment to two guys melted the hardness. after the break ups, i became the Yuhana who had just lost her father again, the self who is bad tempered, becoming more insensitive and a person who buries affection deep inside. 

and this morning, i cried. i feel sorry. i could feel the pain. the miseries that they are having for losing Bunga. the bad memories and remembrance that would haunt them, especially farah's brother. the old and sick parents who lost their daughter after losing one eight months ago. when farah told me in detail the scenes, how her brother called her, talked to her, how they rushed to the accident scene, how they watched the medical team tried their best to keep her alive, to actually be there when she was dying,it is just sad. it hurts. it pinches my heart.

my family lost my father, but then... we did not actually see him dying. i'm thankful for that... we only hold to the moment where we waited for his body to be found with hope that he actually made it. i still remember the moments when he was not found yet crystal clear. i might have shut those memories. but it is still there. they are. 

I'm feeling sad. life goes on. true. time goes by, time heals but time does not make us forget.

Semoga roh Bunga di cucuri rahmat dan di tempat kan di kalangan orang yg beriman. Dan berikan lah ketabahan to adik farah. Tabah kan lah kedua ibu bapa Bunga menerima takdir Allah. Amiin. I feel you. I do.. I really do..